I grew up with the Golden Rule from the Gospels in the New Testament, which states roughly "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". This always stuck with me, and when I began questioning my faith, I also questioned this sentiment. Why don't we treat others as they would want to be treated, rather than how we would like to be treated? To put it graphically, if someone is allergic to peanuts, they wouldn't want me to bake them my favourite peanut-butter containing cookies on their birthday, as much as I would love that for myself! There is definitely something to be said for leading by example, demonstrating to others all of our preferences by acting them out. However, I really think that clear communication and learning about each other are gifts that should be shared along with our best intended assumptions about the treatment of our neighbors.
Reciprocity is not about keeping a tally of who did what for whom, when, in what quantity, what the value was, etc. Certainly, things need to be balanced in order to maintain healthy, mutually beneficial relationships. Yet, the point is not to give something specific in order to receive something equal in return. We may think to ourselves in these terms when we are upset, remembering "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" or other such passages. I see justice and balance, however, in a different perspective when it comes to positive interactions. Sometimes the best we can do for another person is very little. I have been taught that our cup must be full before we can pour out for so many others. And it must be empty so that we can fully receive. In this way, we can both give fully and receive gracefully at different times. Instead of always asking for all the little things until we overflow, and our cup cracks and leaks, never remaining full... Instead of waiting until we are bone dry and asking for our cup to be filled by one of our supports all at once... We should stay within balance, so that when our cup is getting full, we pour out for others, and when it is getting empty, we gracefully and gratefully accept the blessings that come our way. In this way, taking care of ourselves, we also take care of those around us. Being self-aware of our resources, time management and energy levels, and taking time to connect spiritually with what fulfills and enriches us, are important ways to stay tuned to the cups of those around us. By self-reflecting, we can see ourselves in others, and we can see when someone's cup needs to be refreshed, or when we can take something they have to offer, so that they have room for more of what they really need. There is an ebb and flow to reciprocity, what goes around, comes around in cycles.
At the moment, I am living with an injury and taking time to heal. My friends and family, supports, coworkers and acquaintances have rallied together to help me through this time. At first, I was very reluctant to ask for the help I need. I doubted whether I deserved the attention, whether I had earned it, whether I had paid enough forward in my day to day dealings with the world. It quickly became clear to me that indeed, I had been there for others more than enough to warrant a helping hand. A piece of wisdom came my way, however. People love to give. It makes us feel special and useful. It makes us feel like we are wanted and needed. When we give, we may feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. It makes us feel like we are doing good work in the world, being good people, good friends, or just plain contributing to something greater than ourselves. Giving people the opportunity to give is a gift in itself. If I were to deny my support network the opportunity to help me through this healing process, I would be a very selfish and ungrateful person! And if we don't accept the help of those who have something to give, they are less likely to ask us for assistance in their own times of need.
Some say it is our good works in the world that bring us to salvation. Others say that we are entitled to paradise regardless of our works. What matters most, in my opinion, is that we don't form expectations around what we are owed or take for granted what comes our way. The way around it is to give freely. A gift freely given is a special thing, it goes out into the world and does good things in and of itself. When we accept one of these free gifts, we don't necessarily have to give back directly. We can be giving people in many ways. We can volunteer our time; we can clean up the environment, work with our elders or our youth, adopt an animal, or find something that is meaningful to us that helps others on a wide scale. We can help those who support the ones who help us. It is indirect, but it is a holistic and communal way of creating reciprocity. We can also pay it forward, by doing random acts of kindness for strangers, or by simply by showing our friends and family hospitality when we have a bit extra on the table. If we put forth these gifts for others, we may feel an expectation or a hope that things will be provided for us in turn. Good things happen to everyone, some more than others, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. I think, however, if we create a culture of conscious reciprocity, freely giving and freely receiving, and we maintain moderation in our surpluses and deficits, we can trust in the serendipity of the Universe, the providence of Deity, the mutually beneficial nature of our relationships, or some other faith or belief about things working out for the best. In my experience, no matter how hard things get, no matter how overloaded everyone around us gets at the same time, we do all come out ahead.