The introspective journey, the fool's journey, the shaman's journey, the hero's journey, the seeker's journey, the recovery journey, the pilgrim's journey.... the quest perilous... around the zodiac wheel, around the medicine wheel... around the seasons... around and around we go... it's the journey of initiation, the ultimate rite of passage. The journey into the Self begins...
What I've thought about here are just SOME of the stages or phases of self knowledge, as I've noticed them. There are others, I am sure, because we are all different people on different paths. But these questions may provoke you, you may resonate with something here and you may be able to identify where you are headed by thinking about the different ways we come to know ourselves.
They are not in any particular order, but they seemed to flow like this when I started to think about my own journey. You may find that you dance between two or three over and over again, or that you have only experienced maybe half of them, but whatever your experience is, I hope you can share something about it with the people close to you. We can all help each other understand and grow.
0. The precontemplative / unknown / taken for granted / unexplored / surface self
At some points in our lives, there is no question about who we are and what we are doing. Either we have all the answers (or think we do) or else, the questions just aren't relevant to us and we are preoccupied with other matters.
When we are in a part of the cycle where we aren't thinking about ourselves, it's not necessarily the case that we have transcended the ego, on the contrary, the ego may be running the show without constraint. There is nothing being examined here. It can be good for a while, to live without a constant introspective analysis, but we need to eventually think about what's going on inside, in order to learn and grow.
So like the Fool in the tarot pack, or the reader of a short story, we start from a place of not knowing something.
Do you feel like this stage resonates with you? Or perhaps you remember a time when you never gave yourself a second thought or had it all figured out? If you find meaning and connection in this or any of these following phases, let's talk about how to move forward.
1. The beginner's mind / examined / laid bare / open book self
We ask ourselves - What am I composed of?
At this stage, it is what it is. We are who we are. There isn't much more to be said about it. We take ourselves at face value, literally. We may spend time in the mirror picking at pimples. We may trace the creases on our hands, look at the symmetry of pores and hair follicles on our bodies, or pinch and flex our flub and muscle. We don't think too hard when we examine ourselves, we just know whether we like pineapple on our pizza or not. We know we are good or bad at math. And that's it. We have an inventory of qualities that we constantly reinforce.
2. The reflected / feedback oriented / compared and contrasted self
We ask ourselves - What am I like?
Here, we look to others as sacred mirrors to see ourselves in them. We model our behaviours after those who impress us. We become self aware in a new way as we feel shame when we see someone mock or copy our own behaviours. We take teasing personally. We want to engage others in our identity and we seek to join groups, cliques and clubs. We want to make good impressions. We look for partners that bring out the best in us, and we question ourselves when we make decisions, whether we are being true to our own nature.
3. The flawed / broken / imperfect / fragmented / needy self
We ask ourselves - What is wrong with me?
During this phase, we are seeking to improve. We seek to quit things, start things, and maintain things. We seek to learn things, develop things and invent things. We want more friends, more money, more time. Nothing satisfies, there is a restlessness about us. We pick at the things that we think cause our problems, and we tear them out and look at them for what they are, taking in everything we don't like about that aspect of ourselves. And then we try to rationalize why we've let it go on for so long. We try to forgive ourselves, but it doesn't work. We seek the approval of others, but it is not enough, and we cycle back into a self loathing that just eats at us for a while. Here, we are not enough, and it's a good opportunity to become bigger and better if we are careful to not bite off more than we can chew.
4. The chipped away at / carved / peeled / revealed self
We ask ourselves - What is left of me?
Once we've torn ourselves down and ripped ourselves to shreds, we have our bare bones left over. It's vulnerable, it's naked, and it's fully self. It's a challenge to look people in the eye when we've been pulling away all kinds of nasty junk we don't need, and airing it out. Once the toxic is gone, all we have left is what we cherish. And to show that off, is scary. Because it's the precious stuff. It's the treasured stuff. And we don't want people to see it and dislike it, or mock it, or dismember us more.
5. The scrapped / veiled / rejected / shadow self
We ask ourselves - Who am I not?
So we turn back to the stuff we got rid of.... That shadow self that's been growing as we pluck ourselves bare. We have to learn to embrace it but first we must explore it. So we come back to our bad habits, our wild fantasies, our out of control benders and other behaviours we hope not to be judged for, by anyone, including ourselves. And we make mistakes. And we self-sabotage, and we get under our own feet. And this is how we learn what's there that needs healing. But in the meantime, it renders meaningless all that treasured and cherished stuff we were protecting. Because it makes it all a lie.
6. The sculpted / crafted / built up self
We ask ourselves - Who am I choosing to be?
So when we are torn down and then muddied, and it feels like there's nothing real about any of it.... That's when we can piece together the self we want to be. We take a reality check, we look at what is actually there, and we decide which pieces of ourselves to embellish and work on, and which to just leave small and inert. When we fill the void with new things, we are adding in what works for us now in a way that honours the past we have experienced, but is not bound to it.
7. The group/family self / societal/cultural self / global/cosmic self
We ask ourselves - Who do I belong with/to?
And then we can come to a place where others matter too. This isn't to say that we have been avoiding people all along... on the contrary, we have to interact with others to feel and think and see those identities we have been forming and breaking and rebuilding. But, when we see ourselves as an inherent part of something greater, our sense of self expands beyond the needs and desires of the human body and into something more spiritual, more heartfelt, more intuitive and more communicative. We are an interconnected piece of nature, each one of us, and we play a role in a much bigger biosphere than our bodies and homes. So choosing a family becomes important here. Choosing a tribe, a community, a religion, or a partner even, becomes the obsession. Or maintaining promises made, or renewing vows. At this stage, everything is about the "I" that is in "us".
8. The self in question / crisis of identity / doubted self
We ask ourselves - Who am I really?
But if we become too absorbed in family life, in worldly life, external and interpersonal life, we lose track of that unique "me" person that needs me-time to flourish. We end up not knowing what makes us important or valuable as individuals, and we think that we have been so immersed in the group that we have lost ourselves completely. This can happen any number of ways, including an event in life that jars us out of our reverie. But some just wake up one day wondering where the time went.
9. The new and novel / trial basis / expanding self
We ask ourselves - What else am I?
Then during this phase, new things happen. Fresh things happen. We take a new career move. we relocate into a different home, we get fancier cars or clothes, we take a trip to India to learn from an authentic guru, we go to the rainforest and drink ayahuasca with shamans, or we just collapse into a ball of urgent adventurousness without an outlet and take risks with investments or affairs. Everything about this phase is exploratory and expands us in new directions, for better or for worse.
10. The integrated / recovered / cyclically returned self
We ask ourselves - Who am I overall?
All things considered, what is the new face-value self, the surface self, that one that we just ARE, without reading too deeply into it? The one that's a background to the rest of our lives, like how the body is a shell in some worldviews, the self can also be a shell or layer which we use as a foundation to operate from, without being too self absorbed.
Does anyone feel like these stages resonate with them?
Do you have a story of a time where you felt similar to the above?
Or something else to say about this list of phases?
Maybe this list has helped you see a phase I did not list, that you are in the midst of now, and a light has gone on for you. Let me know!
If you think you grasp yourself completely, or that someone totally gets you, or that people are able to label and compartmentalize you, then you are missing the point. You are misunderstanding the journey and disrespecting yourself. They key to understanding yourself is to accept that you are alive, fluid, growing, changing, adapting and learning all the time. Give yourself permission to change your mind. Give yourself permission to explore other ways of being. Give yourself permission to dig deep. Give yourself permission to let go of habits and lifestyle choices that no longer serve you. Then your authentic self can come through.